Are you giving your power away?
Power has been an obsession of humans since the eon of time. From being the chief of a clan, the queen of an empire, the president of a country, the CEO of a company, the leader of a gang, to the worlds most successful supermodel or actor. There are books written about it from the classic '“The Prince by Niccolò Machiavelli” and the more modern & cringeworthy best seller “The 48 Laws of Power” by Robert Greene. In Corporate, they even test leaders, to see if they are driven by it, to make sure your not ‘an empty suit’.
Why the obsession?
Because power often brings the satisfaction of success, wealth & freedom. We gain a capacity to make a difference in the world by enhancing the lives of others. If power is wielded well, an incredible legacy can be left for decades, like those of Mahatma Gandhi & Martin Luther King Jnr.
On the dark side though, the very experience of having power and privilege lead can lead corruption & bring out the worst in us. Research shows that power encourages individuals to act on their own whims, desires & impulses. People in power, are more likely to humiliate & interrupt others, be overly critical & to speak out of turn. Just look at the latest presidential debate between Donald Trump & Joe Biden!
Workplace Surveys have also found that people in power are more likely to sexually harass, bully others, swear & shout. And more scarier, people can become sociopathic, using their power to commit atrocious acts like genocide, slavery, rape, fraud & embezzlement.
On the other hand, those who don’t have it are subject to the behaviour & actions of those in power, especially the darker aspects of humans such as greed, arrogance, racial and sexual violence. The disempowered instinctively fear for their safety & survival. Like the employee who stays silent when sexually harassed, because they don’t want to lose their job.
No wonder why were obsessed with it, in this context power gives freedom, ‘success’ & safety. Despite this though, I believe that power viewed in this way is extremely limiting & if we buy into, we stay in an exhausting power battle. One we will not win.
There is another perspective, one that empowers you no matter who you are dealing with. That is having inner power. When you have inner power, equality returns.
What is inner power?
There are two types of power, inner power & outer power. Outer power is the power I just wrote about, the ability to control or influence others. Those who use outer power use it because they want to stay in control, they have an agenda at hand.
Your inner power is a natural state where you feel & know you are: Confident, worthy, beautiful, valued, authentic, loved, powerful & connected.
It is a knowing that reverberates deeply inside of you. It does not come from anything outside of yourself. Maya Angelou, eluded to it in her poem phenomenal women.
When you tap into inner power, you not only step into you authentic self & achieve the impossible but a balance of power returns in all your interactions. You stop being disempowered. Instead you become magnetic.
An extraordinary example of a person who had enormous inner power was Nelson Mandela. Even though he was dominated & treated horribly whilst incarcerated, he still ended apartheid in South Africa.
Often forgotten, we are all born with inner power. It is natural. Look at babies & children in their natural state – they are confident, empowered & feel loved. However, with the conditioning of childhood, culture & society we learn to trade our inner power to fit in, feel safe or get our needs met. Before you know it, you have forgotten all about it.
Why care about inner power?
When you lose your inner power, you also lose your sense of self & believe the worst.
Unconsciously, you stop listening to your intuition. You don’t see your beauty. You don’t show up for yourself . You let people take advantage of you. You stop taking risks.
Slowly, you start to absorb negative core beliefs like “I’m not good enough”, “Its not available to me”, “I’m different” – which rule your life.
When that happens, you look outside of yourself to feel confident, worthy, beautiful, valued, authentic & loved. Without realising it, you give your inner power away in hope of getting your needs met.
And Guess what? You’re never going to feel or find these things outside of yourself, so starts a destructive cycle of battling others for POWER. One that you will never win. When you dominate others at the expense of their inner power, you lose it. Renowned spiritual teacher, Eckhart Tolle says that when people pursue their aim ruthlessly, the energy behind wanting, creates an opposing energy of equal intensity, leading to their downfall. Stalin, Hitler & Genghis Khan are a few larger then life examples.
A true story…
I worked with an ego driven women who we shall call ‘Shark Lady’. She was was all about external power - dominating others, being in control & criticising others & claiming the glory of other peoples hard work. A political animal, shark lady would dangle carrots in front of me like promotions, safety of my job & connections with important people. To be in her protection, it came at a steep cost. I had to yield to her demands & wishes. Work long hours, cancel holidays, agree with her on everything – basically “yes sir, how high sir, three bags full sir”.
It rocked my confidence & my sense of self-worth, I was completely disempowered. I thought that by giving her what she needed, even though it was at the expense of my power, my needs of safety & acceptance would be met. Not only was this delusional but those needs where never met & where never going to be. Even worst, I started to think I liked her style & mimicked it. Known as emotional contagion, research says when we work for jerks we are in danger of ending up like one - yep that’s what was happening to me.
Do something about it.
You can build your inner power. Know it takes time, consistent effort & mindfulness to keep connected with your inner power. Its not something that your going to reclaim with a quick fix gimmick, silver bullet or holding a crystal in the moonlight.
We know from neuroscience, that the brain hardwires everything that we repeatedly do. So if you have been acting a particular way for a while, it will take 21 to 90 days to rewire. Be patient & compassionate with yourself.
Since I’m not writing a novel, the key strategy to stepping into your inner power is to:
Make decision mindfully & intuitively because every decision you make, cost you something.
I made the decision to cancel my holidays & work till 1am in the morning in order to feel safe & accepted by shark lady. It cost me my health, confidence, peace & power.
I betrayed myself but not listening to my intuition. I was stressed, exhausted & feeling resentful & angry – I ignored what my body was telling me. Even worse, I remember my inner dialogue nudging me ‘ask for your needs to be met’. I would say to myself, “just negotiate realistic deadlines”, “You need this holiday”, “Pushing back this request is unreasonable” or “speak up, she’s a bully”.
If I had been mindful of what was going on inside of me, listened to my intuition & had the courage to say ‘no’, I would have made way better decisions that didn’t cost me my inner power.
After sorting through the wreckage, one simple but powerful technique that has stopped me from repeating history is:
Every time you make a decision – ask yourself:
What is this costing me?
What need am I trying to get met?
Does this empower me?
What does my true self really really really want?
By doing this every single time you make a decision, you become more mindful, change old patterns, give your intuition a choice to speak & give yourself the space to make empowering decisions.
Final Thoughts
I know stepping into your inner power can be scary. It can comes at the cost of not being liked or included. It take courage. But trust me, when you step into your inner power you thrive & a grace opens up inside of you bringing you peace, joy & abundance.
References:
“A New Earth” By Eckhart Tolle
“The Power Paradox” by By Dacher Keltner.
“48 Laws of power” by Robert Greene
“How do you understand power?” by Caroline Myss
“The No Asshole Rule” by Robert Sutton
“The ripple effect: Emotional contagion in groups”. Barsade, S. G. (2001). Yale School of Management.
“The Hogan Guide” by Robert Hogan, Joyce Hogan and Rodney Warrenfeltz
“Power motivates heightened sexual attraction to the opposite sex among heterosexual men and women” by Lijun Zheng Jing Zhang Yong Zheng. Journal of Social Psychology.
